The Rules Of Manhood In The 24th Century

Since the 24th century is now upon us all, I realized I was past due on updating you all on how to be a man in this brave new world. Naturally, you're asking yourself, "Jonathan, how can I become a man in this bold frontier?" Well, I'm glad you came around, because I'm here to tell you how it's done.

Rule #1: Get a good blaster by your side.

Some might call this a ray gun, or a phaser and what have you. The point is, it's a gun that shoots hot red laser bolts. I can't emphasize this enough. I've found myself in the thick of battle in one too many strange bars and cantinas out there, scamming some equally strange tail, and if it weren't for "The Duke", I wouldn't be here writing this guide.

Rule #2: Alien tail is FAN-tastic!

Truly, there is nothing like grabbing some strange ass out there in the big bad galaxy. Just the other day I was cruising through the Crab Nebula, popped into the local diner, and saw the most bodacious broad this side of Scorpio. She was blue. She had red hair. She had fangs. She literally had a tail. It was hot. I tapped that shit. Do the same. You haven't lived until you've smelled what another woman's world smells like.

Rule #3: Invest in a fast ship.

All too often, we look at the cosmetics of a cruiser. Sure, we want the best looking ride available, but it's all about the personality, man. Don't be all bent out of shape over what she looks like on the outside, because it's the inside that counts. Whether you're smuggling beef steaks to the prisoners of Titan, or on a science mission to the Globular Cluster, remember - it's all about performance. A great ride will take you places my friend. Get something that defines you... not that alien wench in the cabin.

Rule #4: Under no circumstances are you ever, ever allowed to blow dry your hair.

This, sir, makes you a pussy. I need not explain myself further.

Rule #5: Dress to be comfortable, not for success.

Look, this isn't Starfleet. This is the 24th century! Crime is at an all time high, rebels are in the Outer Rim, and you can't even trust the woman you sleep with these days. The facts are, you've got to be ready to roll at any time lest the Po-Po's bust a cap in you. What do I recommend? Nothing like a good henley, some knee high leather boots, and a vest. Oh, and don't forget a good blaster.

Rule #6: Crucial. You are not, nor will you ever be, Captain James T. Kirk.

The man is a legend that can only be aspired to, and never attained. When you learn this lesson, you my friend, will be ready for the 24th century.

Rule #7: Shoot first.

Be like Han.