The Rules Of Manhood In The 24th Century

Since the 24th century is now upon us all, I realized I was past due on updating you all on how to be a man in this brave new world. Naturally, you're asking yourself, "Jonathan, how can I become a man in this bold frontier?" Well, I'm glad you came around, because I'm here to tell you how it's done.

Rule #1: Get a good blaster by your side.

Some might call this a ray gun, or a phaser and what have you. The point is, it's a gun that shoots hot red laser bolts. I can't emphasize this enough. I've found myself in the thick of battle in one too many strange bars and cantinas out there, scamming some equally strange tail, and if it weren't for "The Duke", I wouldn't be here writing this guide.

Rule #2: Alien tail is FAN-tastic!

Truly, there is nothing like grabbing some strange ass out there in the big bad galaxy. Just the other day I was cruising through the Crab Nebula, popped into the local diner, and saw the most bodacious broad this side of Scorpio. She was blue. She had red hair. She had fangs. She literally had a tail. It was hot. I tapped that shit. Do the same. You haven't lived until you've smelled what another woman's world smells like.

Rule #3: Invest in a fast ship.

All too often, we look at the cosmetics of a cruiser. Sure, we want the best looking ride available, but it's all about the personality, man. Don't be all bent out of shape over what she looks like on the outside, because it's the inside that counts. Whether you're smuggling beef steaks to the prisoners of Titan, or on a science mission to the Globular Cluster, remember - it's all about performance. A great ride will take you places my friend. Get something that defines you... not that alien wench in the cabin.

Rule #4: Under no circumstances are you ever, ever allowed to blow dry your hair.

This, sir, makes you a pussy. I need not explain myself further.

Rule #5: Dress to be comfortable, not for success.

Look, this isn't Starfleet. This is the 24th century! Crime is at an all time high, rebels are in the Outer Rim, and you can't even trust the woman you sleep with these days. The facts are, you've got to be ready to roll at any time lest the Po-Po's bust a cap in you. What do I recommend? Nothing like a good henley, some knee high leather boots, and a vest. Oh, and don't forget a good blaster.

Rule #6: Crucial. You are not, nor will you ever be, Captain James T. Kirk.

The man is a legend that can only be aspired to, and never attained. When you learn this lesson, you my friend, will be ready for the 24th century.

Rule #7: Shoot first.

Be like Han.

Seriously?

Captain James Tiberius Kirk? Check! Alien Cave? Check! Alien Villain? Check! Rock Penis? Double check! 

When I first came across this image this evening, I was considering what to make my first blog post to christen this "Go Forth, My Son, and Rock". I considered researching and posting on hideous animals that deserve to die. But that's been done.  I thought about analyzing Rock Band downloads, but that's a little too geeky, even for me.

Figuring that it would only be appropriate to christen this cruise with something space themed, I figured that searching Captain Kirk in the google saloon would do the trick.

And then this came up. 

....

Honestly, how can I even compete with this? The short answer to the question is: I can't. 

So what I'm simply going to do is just break down and observe what I see in this picture. 

Clearly, Captain Kirk is panicked about something. What it is, we can't be exactly sure. The giant alien in the background is either searching for him or, well... The point is, the alien is searching for someone, or something. 

Now notice the look on Kirk's face. It's as if he's seriously debating two things, which are in no particular order, "Do I make a run for it?" and "I can't wait to get this thing home to show the guys at Starfleet! Spock is going to freak!". 

As we observe the alien's cave, we can see that Kirk couldn't have just pulled that thing from anywhere. The color and composition of the rock penis clearly don't match. The rock penis is craggy and sour and as Jews like to say, Gentile. The walls of the cave are smooth, and not necessarily cumbersome. In fact, the walls are quite unassuming. However, when we take a closer look at the rock penis, we notice that it looks much more like it didn't come from somewhere. No, it looks like it came from someone. 

We see Kirk cowering in fear from the giant alien, caressing the penis almost as if it were a child born anew into the world. Whatever happens, we know that Kirk must protect the object... or be destroyed. 

Kirk has become the protector of this penis. He must hold fast to the rod. However he came about it, he just must not let it fall into the wrong hands. For all we know, this penis is the key to that week's episode, and if it were to be discovered... all will be lost. 

Look. Let's draw this to a close.

Yeah, it's a penis. Clearly. 

Let us give The Shat a little privacy now, okay. I think he's earned it. Especially after he just got caught red handed (literally) with a phallus that would make a rhinoceros blush.