Sneaking A Peek

If you just got yammed sneaking a peek at the above photo, then I have written this posting expressly for you my friend.

There is an art to enjoying Thanksgiving early, and that art doesn't necessarily mean eye contact. You need to find both a way to linger on the site whilst not being caught at a disadvantage. 

Remember, you are the man. Act like one. Admire from a distance. It is a common misperception that you must get closer to admire the  pumpkins on her chest. This is a fatal mistake, and you have failed. Do you get closer to the television screen to play Halo? No. So why are you going to enjoy Chest Ass at a distance that is too close to ever fully appreciate?

Sneaking a peek has gone back through the centuries. It's a well documented truth that Egyptian males built monoliths not only a tribute to the phallus (like any great civilization ruled by men would), but also because it was the perfect perch for cleavage observance. In Rome, Caesar was known for his escorts that would watch for the finest cleavage in the Empire for him. Henry VIII was a rampant peeker, and let's not get started on Abraham Lincoln, whose absurd height allowed him access to places shorter men have only dreamed of.

Look, it's not that complicated. A woman deserves to be appreciated when she's putting her ya-ya's in your face, and it's your God given right to embellish your optical senses with her milk cartons. So what if she's a whore? She's only a whore if you indulge her. Don't. Just look, look some more, then look away and pass on by.

If you happen to get yammed staring at the binary sunset, remember, you have a penis. This gives you certain unalienable rights in this world. So in that moment that you get caught, just remember that you have a penis, and she doesn't. Whatever happens after this moment, is all good, because at least you have that one reassuring thought.

Still, I understand you need an escape plan amateur. Here's what you do: First, don't make eye contact (if you do happen to make eye contact, introduce yourself. She'll dig your confidence, or she'll be repulsed. Either way, it's a win-win). Second, pick up your drink, meal, book, and act like you were in deep thought. Finally, after about 90 seconds, leave. Do not leave your number behind because you will be found on facebook, and you will be accused of stalking.

In conclusion, cleavage is indeed amazing. It is also proven through science, which is never wrong nor can proven to be so, that if you stare long enough you might spontaneously combust. It happens most often in China, of all places, and is responsible for 525 deaths annually. Don't be a statistic.