Cats

I hate cats.

When God created the earth, he realized that outside of Satan, he didn't really have anything else to torment man with. So he created cats.

People will try to tell you that everybody loves cats. This is not true because cats don't need your love, and therefore don't deserve our love. If I had it my way, there would be a week long holiday the world over that observed the traditional cat hunt.

During this cat hunt, anything would be acceptable. If you wanted to, say, bludgeon a kitten with a battle mace, awesome. If you desired to blind fold cats and line them all up against a wall with glued in cigarettes in their mouths while performing mass executions, just as swell. Cat fights to the death? All good. 

Yes, I realize that some of you who are reading this are cat lovers. What you may not realize, like I do however, is that you have been brainwashed. Cats are not your friends, and never were or will be. If this were the Spanish Inquisition, and if cats could talk, they would turn you in. Instantly. There's no loyalty there. Don't deny what you know to be true, cat lover.

Has there ever been a good movie made about cats? No. Has there ever been a good movie made about dogs however? Yes.

Dogs are the cock and balls to the cats vagina. Dogs are kick ass. What's even better is that a dog needs you. Cats on the other hand are the pre-madonnas of not just the animal kingdom, but of all forms of life in the solar system. They are the Samantha of your household, and they will bring home a TomCat each week.

On top of all this, cats would easily make the creepiest zombies. Imagine a zombie cat coming for you,  moaning like it does in the night with it's crazy yellow eyes peering at you, hungering to devour your brain after you just fed Foo-Foo some Meowmix earlier in the day. Creepy ass shit!

I promise you this. No cat will never, ever lay its head on my pillow. And no, you cannot has cheeseburger before bed!

I'm also allergic to cats in a serious way. A cat bit me when I was a kid. I've been clawed by cats. And I've had a cat put it's ass in my face. So maybe this entry is a tad bit biased, yet my vengeance is not yet satisfied. Again. I hate cats, and cats hate me.

This will not be my final posting on cats.