Journey. Tool of Satan.

So recently, I found some new heroin in my closet. I don't know how long it's been lurking in its plastic, but it's been there. Waiting. Stalking. Abusing me with its eyes. Lurking for years, it finally exposed itself to me. And I haven't stopped staring since.

Unfortunately, growing up can only expose you to so much. I myself was exposed to Madonna at an early age, which resulted in an unhealthy obsession of dancing in front of blondes.  I had an Intellivision home video game unit, which damned me to a life long love affair with video games. Also, like so many of you my brothers and sisters of the cloth, I was righteously exposed to muppets, resulting thusly in a love affair for talking socks. 

I blame Salsa Snack for this latest obsession. 

What is Salsa Snack, you are privy to ask? I can't say much, but let's say it involves a female, naked of course, doing things to her body that no human being should ever consider. It is all played to an endless loop of 'Anyway You Want It' by Journey. 

It made my desensitized friend Zack Taylor, cry. 

The obsession is of course, to you the constant reader, fairly obvious. It's Journey (aka Satan's Lullaby). For the last 30 years, Journey has carved their place in rock history by becoming the one band that no one hates. This fact alone can mean only one thing:

1. They are evil.

2. They must be stopped.

......

So in celebration of the Anti-Christ's 30 years of uninterrupted rule, we're going to sit down together, and analyze some of Journey's greatest hits youtube style.

Here it is, the song that started the love affair the world over. There he is, Steve Perry dominating. Domination only occurs like this at Wembley, and this looks like some stadium that was probably torn down in the 90's. 

Have you ever wondered where the midnight train went to? Ask the lady in the Salsa Snack video. 

I can't figure out what is up with Perry's jeans. It's almost like he's wearing granny panties under there, and he's just ashamed to show it off. It's not really so disturbing so much as it is awesome. Awesome as in not. At least he's pulling off the Leopard print shirt better than Whoopie. 

Oh, and he's tucking left.

As I'm listening to the lyrics, I realize that this song is kind of depressing. "Some are born to sing the blues?" WTF? What is that for hope and glory? Chalk one up for reasons to do a faceplant on Journey's face. 

I mean, honestly. Why am I supposed to not stop believing when you're telling some of us that we're born to shit in a gutter our whole lives. Don't be selling your Coke to me when I know it ain't in a green bottle. 

Job Posting: Are you a long haired white man from in your mid to late 20's? Do you own a sleeveless shirt? Then you too can perform with Journey on stage. You will, however, be required to hand out kool-aid to the fans at the end of the experience. 

By default, I had to pick this next one. 

I think it's fairly obvious and beyond debate that the "Wheel In the Sky" is the giant wheel that slave Conan pushes for about half his life, turning him into a brutal killing machine who's great purpose is to crush his enemies, and to listen to the lamentations of their women.

Only Satan would conceive of a device so brilliantly evil and badass, and only Journey, Satan's right hand, would sing a song about it.

This live performance comes from a German television show. Looking at them, they obviously don't know quite what to make of the shirtless Mexican singing soothing words to them with his wicked voice.... dominating, yet again. It's like they dare not groove to the vibrations that emanate from the speakers lest they arouse the demons that live within the instruments of the band. 

That, or they're just being typically German.

The best part of this song/video? When Steve Perry jizzes himself at the end.

Sony, being the typical dick in the house, have put a block on the awesomeness of the original Journey videos. So these bootlegs will just have to do, Dylan style and all.

True story. "Separate Ways" was inspired by how Hitler designed the VW Beatle. Getting a hold of a synthesizer, Journey played together through the night under the same mad spell that Hitler was under when he created the "Love Bug". 

Yes, it's true. 

Giving Journey a synth inspired them to create such a mad work of genius that was on level, if not exceedingly so, with the the most evil man in the history of the planet (TM). While historians may debate this for the decades, know this... that I, Jonathan, showed you the evil instrumentations and grand designs behind Journey's maddeningly awesome chtunes. I pulled away the curtain and you were beholden. 

"Separate Ways" inspired a generation of occultists. 

What is ol' Stevie saying at the end? I'll share. It's Japanese for: "Bring your youngest male child verily to the front of this stage, so that we might therefore partake of their flesh to thank you for this wonderful venue you have provided for us thusly."

Well this video kicks off with a bang. It's almost like we've been time warped to the start of Super Bowl XX, and the Jim McMahon has just handed the ball off to Sweetness for the go ahead touchdown... 30 seconds into the game.

Easily, the best part of this video is the white, two-tailed jacket that Steve Perry dominates your face in. He literally just smacked you with your own wii-mote, and put his big left testicle into your mouth. At this point, does it really matter? Does he have to impress you with his cut off shirts? His "O" face? No. He doesn't. He just has to tease his hair, jump 3 inches into the air, and high five the air.

Oh, sweet guitar solo, man. That is wicked cool... way to enco.....

WHAT. IS. PIANO. GUY. WEARING?

I had no idea that Journey hosted finger painting contests for their fans before the show.

So there you have it... A look back at my newest batch of heroin. I fully recommend that you give in, pick up a copy of Journey's Greatest Hits, and burn a couple of candles. It lets the evil seep in a bit more easily.

For once Steve Perry enters your soul... he'll dominate it. Forever.