Damn You Hugh Jackman

Hugh Jackman makes me uncomfortable. I'll tell you why. He makes me question my manhood.

I'm a man. I have abs. I groom myself well. I love rock n' roll. I've donkey punched rabbits. I've been to the Middle East. Then, out of the blue, Hugh "World's Sexiest Man 2008" Jackman pops up onto the screen and I start to get butterflies in my stomach. What the...?

So this past weekend, Wolverine came out. It made $87 million at the box office. No, contrary to popular belief, that was not money made off of millions of comic book geeks. That was money made off of millions of comic book geeks coming out of the closet for Hugh friggin' Jackman.  

It wasn't always like this. I wanted to hate the guy. When I first heard he was cast as Wolverine back in the day, me along with every other geek gave out a collective "WTF?". Then we saw X-Men. Since then, millions of men started harboring something we didn't quite know what to make sense of deep within ourselves.

The first report of the phenomena came out in a USA Today article the day after the film's release. David, a 17 year old nerd living in his mother's basement in Des Moines, told his mother, "Mom. I'm in love with Wolverine." Shocked that she raised her boy to be such a man, she demanded that David never see another Hugh Jackman movie.

Today, David is at the head of the "Real Men Love Hugh Jackman" (RMLHJ) movement. It now has thousands of members, and David estimates that at least 1 out of every 4 men in the country harbors a secret sort of man love for Hugh. 

When I spoke to David, he discussed the movements main goal. "Look, most young men live a normal life, until that moment they first see Wolverine on screen. It's really the first time, and only time really, that they'll see a big, throbbing man on screen. What we're trying to do is help these men identify at an earlier age that yes, they are in love with Hugh Jackman, and yes, it's okay."

David lists these ten items as common signs that you too are in love with Hugh Jackman.

1. You're male.

2. You register for theater classes.

3. You have an uncontrollable urge to count your carbs.

4. You see every single Hugh Jackman movie.

5. You smile every time you see Hugh Jackman's face... or abs.

6. You find it difficult to achieve an erection after watching a Hugh Jackman movie.

7. You own every single AC/DC album produced.

8. Your favorite restaurant is Outback.

9. You don't shave your chest.

10. You take cold showers in the morning.

Damn you, Hugh Jackman. I hate you. I hate your perfect biceps. I hate your great hair. I hate your ab vein that featured so prominently in Australia. I hate that you count carbs and eat brown rice for breakfast. I hate that you've got a bad-ass accent. 

Just go away so men can be men again. You're ruining it for the rest of us.