Seriously?

Captain James Tiberius Kirk? Check! Alien Cave? Check! Alien Villain? Check! Rock Penis? Double check! 

When I first came across this image this evening, I was considering what to make my first blog post to christen this "Go Forth, My Son, and Rock". I considered researching and posting on hideous animals that deserve to die. But that's been done.  I thought about analyzing Rock Band downloads, but that's a little too geeky, even for me.

Figuring that it would only be appropriate to christen this cruise with something space themed, I figured that searching Captain Kirk in the google saloon would do the trick.

And then this came up. 

....

Honestly, how can I even compete with this? The short answer to the question is: I can't. 

So what I'm simply going to do is just break down and observe what I see in this picture. 

Clearly, Captain Kirk is panicked about something. What it is, we can't be exactly sure. The giant alien in the background is either searching for him or, well... The point is, the alien is searching for someone, or something. 

Now notice the look on Kirk's face. It's as if he's seriously debating two things, which are in no particular order, "Do I make a run for it?" and "I can't wait to get this thing home to show the guys at Starfleet! Spock is going to freak!". 

As we observe the alien's cave, we can see that Kirk couldn't have just pulled that thing from anywhere. The color and composition of the rock penis clearly don't match. The rock penis is craggy and sour and as Jews like to say, Gentile. The walls of the cave are smooth, and not necessarily cumbersome. In fact, the walls are quite unassuming. However, when we take a closer look at the rock penis, we notice that it looks much more like it didn't come from somewhere. No, it looks like it came from someone. 

We see Kirk cowering in fear from the giant alien, caressing the penis almost as if it were a child born anew into the world. Whatever happens, we know that Kirk must protect the object... or be destroyed. 

Kirk has become the protector of this penis. He must hold fast to the rod. However he came about it, he just must not let it fall into the wrong hands. For all we know, this penis is the key to that week's episode, and if it were to be discovered... all will be lost. 

Look. Let's draw this to a close.

Yeah, it's a penis. Clearly. 

Let us give The Shat a little privacy now, okay. I think he's earned it. Especially after he just got caught red handed (literally) with a phallus that would make a rhinoceros blush.