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As some of you wisely know, I'm a fan of Real Salt Lake, also known as RSL.

Tonight, they did something that I honestly didn't imagine could possibly happen. Yes, they won the MLS Cup in only their fifth year of existence, and will forever more don a star on their jersey. Yes, they dropkicked Beckham, and stopped the announcers blow job of Landon Donovan in the middle of the receiving.

However, what I didn't see coming was that the Armies of Xenu would break forth from their cage in the Caligula System and try to wield an unholy sword over the good citizens of Seattle. In an epic struggle for life and death, the RSL Captain Kyle Beckerman unsheathed his hammer and proceeded to bring down holy fire upon the aliens. Viewers all over the globe were in awe as we not only witnessed a dazzling display of soccer, but also witnessed the downfall of Scientology's most vile of villains before our very eyes.

As Xenu wept at the feet of Nick Rimando, a chant went out through the land: "Kill! Kill! KILL!" And there, before an audience of 750,000 live viewers, Rimando gave Xenu mercy. He said unto him, "Go, lay out your folly to the supporters of LA this day. Do your bidding amongst them, so that they might follow you back into your shallow grave. You are not, and never have been, welcome amongst us at RSL. Weep, and know that on this day you and your Galaxy fell."

With this, Xenu cowered away and David Beckham took him by his hand, kissed it, and they both left weeping, ass backwards towards the Great Pit of Carkoon.

Thusly did the victorious RSL hoist the MLS Cup, and sup from its mighty basin.

It was a night of glory, high adventure and emotion, and most of all, it was a night the world will never forget when the overmatched and outmanned army of RSL overcame the forces of Xenu, whose vile LA Galaxy could not overcome the powers of righteousness.

Amen.