I Am A Man. Thank You.

I am a man. It is awesome.

I pee standing up. Which yes, does in fact rock most righteously. I lack that extra layer of fat that every woman I know complains about... and which we all know is in reality a myth any way. I dig action films. My grandpa knew the Marx Brothers. Yeah, that's how my kin roll. Because I'm descended from a very long line of manhood. 

See, we men... we don't fret that we come out of each other. It's just what we do. We spawn men. If a woman is spawned, we just say, "My bad", and carry on. At least real men carry on. 

Manhood comes in three forms. These forms are distinct and every man falls into one of these three categories. To help clarify, I will name names to put into each of these categories. This is the career ender, partner.  

1. 2. 3. Let's stick this pig!

The first category: Pussies. 

Pussy men make up the lowest head on the totem pole. These are your sissy boys. Your limp wristed sushi servers. Men who never learned to throw a baseball. They listen to Air Supply with their pants off. They will bring you flowers on a first date. 

These men can and will cock block you at every turn. If you bring one of these men to a party to be your wingman, it is folly! Never bring a pussy boy to serve as your wingman. 

They are most commonly identified by the clothes they wear and their daily activities. Usually, these guys will shop exclusively at Banana Republic. They wear chinos to the Lakers game. They get their haircut once a month, and they shower every single day. 

These are men who are most prone to getting hair plugs. Associate with them at your own peril.

Examples from history: Justin Timberlake, Liberace, and Goliath. 

Next up, we have the second category of men: Douchebags. Douchebags are everywhere, committing crimes of douchebaggery in your very neighborhood as we speak. There isn't even a chance you might know a douchebag. It is a reality, that you, I, and everyone else on this planet know a douchebag. 

True exchange once overheard in Saudi Arabia: Servant - "Sheik, did you just see that douchebag hitting on that wench from your harem?" Sheik - "Yes. It's my brother. And he will die in the desert.... tonight. Douchebag."

They're easy to spot. They dress in Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, and American Eagle. They drive lifted trucks. If that lifted truck has a pair of dangling balls on it's rear, then you have come across a full-blown douchebag that deserves a punch in the nuts. They sexually abuse themselves with tanning cream. Even if they're bald, they still spike their hair. You've seen this! 

They also have code speak with each other. Common phrases heard:

"Bro."

"Bra."

"Wanna get drunk, bro?"

"Dude. I slept with your sister."

"Does popping my collar make my neck look fat?"

"Bitch, please."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to finish so soon."

At all costs, you must avoid the douchebag. Yes, it is unavoidable, and that's the Catch-22. You probably work for a douchebag, and to that, I say I am sorry. Just don't let him make you a pussy boy.

Examples: Johnny (from The Karate Kid), Biff (from Back To the Future), Robert Pattinson (that douchebag from Twilight), and Isaac Newton (total douche).

Which brings us to the final category: Man's Man.

At this point, is an explanation even necessary? Of course it isn't. If you need an explanation, then you are either a.) a woman, or b.) not a man's man, pussy. 

Examples: Hugh Jackman, Ceasar, Guy Fawkes, Ghengis Khan, Captain Kirk, Flash Gordon, George Washington, Joseph Smith, Yngwie Malmsteen, Alexander the friggin' Great, Charles Bronson, Australians, etc. 

I am a man. And so are you. 

Now let's go hunt a wild boar with our bare hands in the forest at night or some crazy shit like that. ARRRRGGGGHHH!