Old People Don't Smell. It's Actually Experience.

We've got it all wrong. 

Old folks. They don't smell. No. That musty smell of death that hovers around their decaying bodies? Contrary to popular belief, it's not rotting flesh. Nor is it uncontrollable bowel movements. 

My friends, that unassuming aroma that comes from our forefathers is something we all can look forward to one day. In fact, if we're lucky, we'll be smelling just as magnificent as they do when the time of our demise arrives.

What we're smelling, it's called experience.

Think grandma got to smelling like a dog house by just sitting around watching Steelers games? Helllllll no! You know how gradma got that smell? She got it by rolling up her sleeves, and hitting the coal mines to do her part during the war effort. And while Gramps was out there putting a couple of rounds into his German neighbor, Gram Gram was getting busy in shaft 7 with the foreman that couldn't get into the army because he had small feet. 

Does Gram Gram have to share that story with you? She certainly doesn't have to because her odor gives it away. Experience.

Next time your Great Uncle Chavez comes on over for Thanksgiving dinner, take a whif. That isn't some English Leather here's wearing. No, what that is your smelling is the time Uncle Chavez spent down in a Communist Prison in 1964 getting bitched up by Si Papi. Now you know why Uncle Chavez is always so friendly around the holidays. You thought it was just because he got lonely... well, that was only part of it. It's experience, and he wants to share it with you.

Grandpa Joe? Every time Granpa Joe asks for a hug, you cower away because ol' Granpa has the stale breath of a drunk fortune teller. Know why Joe's got that going on? It's because he's trying to hide his experience. He knows that if you just get a scent of what's really going on, then you'd know that you are descended from a great line of men who were able to spend not just one night, but two straight days in the very best of the New Orleans brothels. Granpa Joe has seen all that the city could offer, and there isn't a hurricane in the world that's taking that away from him. 

You're a 10th generation gang banger, kid. Reclaim that throne with pride. It's your shot at the title.

Aunt Doris? Oh geesh. Aunt Doris is the originator of the Cleveland Steamer.

Cousin Ricky? Dude, he was the reason they started having sex offenders introduce themselves to their new neighborhoods of residence.

Your elderly neighbor down the street? He dropped the bomb!

The point is this: Old people. They're getting a bad rap. They don't smell at all. All your smelling is the aroma of pride, glory, and triumph. 

So next time you think about shrugging off the attentions of your closest elderly loved one, just remember that that scent is actually there to teach you a lesson. You just have to be willing to listen, and take into your heart... experience. 

This message was brought to you by the good people of Eternal Living: We Keep the Dead Alive.