Intervention Volume 1: Clayton Gerstner

Clayton Gerstner (right). Getting phantom punched by the wind.

The Offender: Clayton Gerstner

The Crime: Currently refuses to join Facebook

Verdict: Guilty

Buddy.

(shaking head)

So you refuse to join Facebook. At first, it was cute. You said that you just couldn't be bothered to get involved with the whole "social networking scene" and that it was all just a "waste of time".

Well you know what, Buddy. You're a waste of time.

How else am I and your closest friends supposed to spy on your every happening? How else am I going to monitor your every move? Look, all your friends see you have a problem. Zack. Brenda. Your wife. The dog. Steve Perry. 

I happen to enjoy stalking people's most intimate of intimates. So do your friends. Quite frankly, we all want to see a bit more of the guy they called "The Luchador" back in high school. We miss that guy. The Luchador would have been all over the internet, and would have probably appeared on Fail Blog multiple times by now. The Luchador dressed like Robin to a high school soccer game. Where is the evidence of this? Nowhere. 

I'm just tired of seeing you cut yourself. Because it's not just hurting you. It's hurting us. 

Don't you see that, good Buddy?

Pretty soon, what started out as a simple fraternizing turned into a habit. A habit you insisted you could control. "I'll join as soon as I get the courage." "I don't know, seems kinda gay." "John, if I was also a mentally depraved monkey, like yourself, I would join." That's what you told us. But that habit got worse. I've watched you spiral down, and pretty soon, you're not going to have any friends keeping tabs on you, nor will you have any to keep tabs on. It saddens me. 

I'm currently sitting pretty on 296 friends. That's a lot of love and joy to pass along. 

How many do you have? 0. Let me spell this out: Z-E-R-O. 

Zero isn't lonely. It's nothing! Wrap your noggin' on that. 

As your friend, I just want to see you stop abusing yourself. It's gone on for far too long now. I can't take the emotional pain anymore. You can't take it anymore. There's a whole world of apps, friend requests, groups, article links, and oh so much more to discover. 

It's okay, Buddy. You can put away the pride, and join us. We're your safety net, and we'll catch you if you ever fall. 

I love you,

Buddy 

UPDATE: Clayton Gerstner has officially joined Facebook. Intervention works.