When A Man Is A Woman

So I was thinking, casually of course, what would the experience of giving birth be like for a man? What would be going through his mind? What would his soul be experiencing? What exactly would happen to him?

As I thought about this, I figured that the only way to articulate my thoughts would be to do it in screenplay form. Thus, without further ado, I present to you:

BIRTH BY MAN

a film by Jonathan Martin

A man is rushed on a medical cart, doctors surrounding him. There is panic as the man SCREAMS in agony. This man is TED. Ted is a 30 something male, just like you. He's sweating, and he's heaving.

A NURSE approaches the head DOCTOR. Both are panicked, sweating, and have the shit confused out of them.

DOCTOR

Get this man into the ER, and stat! I think he's about to give birth?!

NURSE

What the shit are you talking about, man? I'm just an intern. I wasn't taught how to cope with this shit, man. I've still got two years left, and right now, I'm thinking about getting the fu---

DOCTOR

Calm yourself, Davis! I need you. We've got a skeleton crew tonight, and I'm not going to let this man die!

With that, TED begins to scream.

TED

What's happening to me? This hurts! It hurts like a son of a bitch!

DOCTOR

We think you might be pregnant.

TED

Tell me something I don't know, you FUCK!

NURSE

I think he's going into shock.

TED

I'm going to bury my knuckle into your vagina!

DOCTOR

I think his water broke.

The nurse and the doctor both look down, and see nothing but a sticky wetness all over. The nurse keels over and pukes into a waste basket as they haul Ted into the ER/Delivery room.

TED

I think I'm going to die, man. I'm going to die, man!

DOCTOR

Suck it up, you pussy!

The doctor and the nurse work frantically on the man. They've splayed his legs out, and Ted starts to moan and mumble incoherently. The Doctor puts on his mask as the nurse stands by his side, gloved up and ready to roll.

NURSE

I swear on my mother's grave, I will never sleep with a waitress again.

DOCTOR

All right, let's see what we have here--- What the shit?!

NURSE

What is it?

DOCTOR

I don't believe it... It can't be. He's... He's giving birth through his rectum!

TED

No! NOOOO!

NURSE

Do you want me to hold him down or something?

DOCTOR

I don't know.

NURSE

I've got a gun. Let me kill him. Put him out of his misery. He doesn't deserve this kind of pain, man.

TED

Do it! Kill me! Please!

DOCTOR

Damnit, boy. I won't have this man's blood on my hands!

NURSE

Too late!

The Doctor looks down at his hands. They are covered in blood. He looks at the floor below him. Blood all over.

DOCTOR

Shit. We're losing him. Its going to have to come now. PUSH!

NURSE

Oh my...

TED

Its coming out of my ass!!! Get it out! Get it out!

DOCTOR

How did... Okay... Okay... Breathe. Push! PUSH!

Ted starts screaming as he pushes. Veins are popping out of his head, and the screams are deafening. The Nurse passes out, and slip on the puddle of blood on the floor.

DOCTOR

I see it. It's crowing. Keeping pushing!

TED

I hate you, ass hole.

DOCTOR

It's coming out. For the love of all that is good and holy, what is that?!

A fist emerges from out of the sheet covering Ted's legs... and continues to grow. Its the size of a small man's arm.

DOCTOR

No. It can't be.

TED

Get it out of me! I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I hate my wife!

Suddenly, a small sized man, about 4 feet tall, explodes out of the sheet and slides across the floor of the operating room. Its covered it fluids and gnarly substance. Ted is crying. Suddenly, the newborn CHILD stirs to life, and grunts.

DOCTOR

It's alive! It lives!

TED

Kill it! Kill it now!

The child rises, and turns towards its horrified father.

CHILD

Daddy?

THE END

So, uh... yeah... that's pretty horrifying. I think I just wrote out my nightmare.

Embrace: A Web Of Passion

We aren't so different you and I. We enjoy manhood. We enjoy punching kittens. But most importantly, we enjoy laughing. Second to laughing, comes amusement. Thus, it is with firm amusement that I introduce you to this week's topic for you to lust at with your eyes.

Romance novellas. 

Inspired by a friend (or two) of mine, I am about to dip my wick into something that has long been anticipated by a few of you. I'm not sure I'm up for the task, but I'm going to get this on Melvin Udall style. I've got a small dog in my lap, I cooked up some bacon, and I just tickled a little Monty Python on the ol' white and black keys. 

So here goes... I'm thinking of a man, and I'm taking away reason and accountability. 

"He stormed into the room, ablaze with fury. She could see his eyes smoldering with a flame she had yet to see before. Quietly, she gripped the counter top with one hand, and slid the carving knife out of its place with the other. If there was a moment to strike, this was it.

She had long desired him to come unto her, to shower her with the affection and attention that she had so long forgotten. But after months of toiling in her fields without once making a move upon her person, she had given up on her lust. To her, she would rather see him dead than to see him alive in her arms.

However, to her surprise he let out a roar of passion that would have seized the heart of even the most able mountain creature. It was a full-throated roar, as if the heavens had split open.

She realized quickly.... much too quickly... that she was suddenly in dire need to change her underwear. 

Could it be? Was this the moment she had longed for all these many months? Was it possible...?

Before she could even finish the next thought, she found herself backed against the counter top, with the beast simmering her eyes with the flame emitted forth from his dark set eyes. Lordy, was he a treasure to behold. His breathing captivated her, for it was like that of a wild bull which had come into her china closet and left without cleaning up. When she hired him in March, she knew in her darkest of hearts this day would come.

She found that she had released the knife, and was already being lifted into the air. His strong hands, callused from the hard labor of his lifetime, rubbed her dress against her skin. It hurt, but it hurt good.

As she stared down at him.... his biceps throbbing and his neck veins pulsing with energy, she whispered a throaty, alluring statement that failed to move him how she expected. Who was this beast? Who was this MAN?

Silence stirred the air, the energy between them so thick it was electric. Unbearable even.

Finally, the man spoke.

"Woman. You best tell me that you made the eggs right this time, or I swear on my pappa's grave I will destroy your vagina. RAWARREWARRR!"

She gulped. For the first time in months, she had made his eggs just how he liked them: Scrambled, with just the right hint of pepper. Damn. 

"Why, yes. I made them right... just the way you like it."

He put her down firmly. He threw the stool against the wall, which made her quiver down her legs in a way that was most unlady like. He didn't notice.

He picked up the spork on the table, which was left over from KFC the night before, and took a manly portion of yellow into his mouth. He chewed. Swallowed. And moaned.

The woman collapsed at that very moment, hitting her head firmly, knocking her out cold.

When the paramedics woke her up a couple hours later, they told her she had slipped on a wet spot on the floor. It was the best news she had heard in months.

As she laid in her bed, watching the paramedics leave through the window, she laughed to herself. When she turned to turn off her light however, there he was. 

Just as naked as the day he came into the world."

I Am A Man. Thank You.

I am a man. It is awesome.

I pee standing up. Which yes, does in fact rock most righteously. I lack that extra layer of fat that every woman I know complains about... and which we all know is in reality a myth any way. I dig action films. My grandpa knew the Marx Brothers. Yeah, that's how my kin roll. Because I'm descended from a very long line of manhood. 

See, we men... we don't fret that we come out of each other. It's just what we do. We spawn men. If a woman is spawned, we just say, "My bad", and carry on. At least real men carry on. 

Manhood comes in three forms. These forms are distinct and every man falls into one of these three categories. To help clarify, I will name names to put into each of these categories. This is the career ender, partner.  

1. 2. 3. Let's stick this pig!

The first category: Pussies. 

Pussy men make up the lowest head on the totem pole. These are your sissy boys. Your limp wristed sushi servers. Men who never learned to throw a baseball. They listen to Air Supply with their pants off. They will bring you flowers on a first date. 

These men can and will cock block you at every turn. If you bring one of these men to a party to be your wingman, it is folly! Never bring a pussy boy to serve as your wingman. 

They are most commonly identified by the clothes they wear and their daily activities. Usually, these guys will shop exclusively at Banana Republic. They wear chinos to the Lakers game. They get their haircut once a month, and they shower every single day. 

These are men who are most prone to getting hair plugs. Associate with them at your own peril.

Examples from history: Justin Timberlake, Liberace, and Goliath. 

Next up, we have the second category of men: Douchebags. Douchebags are everywhere, committing crimes of douchebaggery in your very neighborhood as we speak. There isn't even a chance you might know a douchebag. It is a reality, that you, I, and everyone else on this planet know a douchebag. 

True exchange once overheard in Saudi Arabia: Servant - "Sheik, did you just see that douchebag hitting on that wench from your harem?" Sheik - "Yes. It's my brother. And he will die in the desert.... tonight. Douchebag."

They're easy to spot. They dress in Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, and American Eagle. They drive lifted trucks. If that lifted truck has a pair of dangling balls on it's rear, then you have come across a full-blown douchebag that deserves a punch in the nuts. They sexually abuse themselves with tanning cream. Even if they're bald, they still spike their hair. You've seen this! 

They also have code speak with each other. Common phrases heard:

"Bro."

"Bra."

"Wanna get drunk, bro?"

"Dude. I slept with your sister."

"Does popping my collar make my neck look fat?"

"Bitch, please."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to finish so soon."

At all costs, you must avoid the douchebag. Yes, it is unavoidable, and that's the Catch-22. You probably work for a douchebag, and to that, I say I am sorry. Just don't let him make you a pussy boy.

Examples: Johnny (from The Karate Kid), Biff (from Back To the Future), Robert Pattinson (that douchebag from Twilight), and Isaac Newton (total douche).

Which brings us to the final category: Man's Man.

At this point, is an explanation even necessary? Of course it isn't. If you need an explanation, then you are either a.) a woman, or b.) not a man's man, pussy. 

Examples: Hugh Jackman, Ceasar, Guy Fawkes, Ghengis Khan, Captain Kirk, Flash Gordon, George Washington, Joseph Smith, Yngwie Malmsteen, Alexander the friggin' Great, Charles Bronson, Australians, etc. 

I am a man. And so are you. 

Now let's go hunt a wild boar with our bare hands in the forest at night or some crazy shit like that. ARRRRGGGGHHH!

Damn You Hugh Jackman

Hugh Jackman makes me uncomfortable. I'll tell you why. He makes me question my manhood.

I'm a man. I have abs. I groom myself well. I love rock n' roll. I've donkey punched rabbits. I've been to the Middle East. Then, out of the blue, Hugh "World's Sexiest Man 2008" Jackman pops up onto the screen and I start to get butterflies in my stomach. What the...?

So this past weekend, Wolverine came out. It made $87 million at the box office. No, contrary to popular belief, that was not money made off of millions of comic book geeks. That was money made off of millions of comic book geeks coming out of the closet for Hugh friggin' Jackman.  

It wasn't always like this. I wanted to hate the guy. When I first heard he was cast as Wolverine back in the day, me along with every other geek gave out a collective "WTF?". Then we saw X-Men. Since then, millions of men started harboring something we didn't quite know what to make sense of deep within ourselves.

The first report of the phenomena came out in a USA Today article the day after the film's release. David, a 17 year old nerd living in his mother's basement in Des Moines, told his mother, "Mom. I'm in love with Wolverine." Shocked that she raised her boy to be such a man, she demanded that David never see another Hugh Jackman movie.

Today, David is at the head of the "Real Men Love Hugh Jackman" (RMLHJ) movement. It now has thousands of members, and David estimates that at least 1 out of every 4 men in the country harbors a secret sort of man love for Hugh. 

When I spoke to David, he discussed the movements main goal. "Look, most young men live a normal life, until that moment they first see Wolverine on screen. It's really the first time, and only time really, that they'll see a big, throbbing man on screen. What we're trying to do is help these men identify at an earlier age that yes, they are in love with Hugh Jackman, and yes, it's okay."

David lists these ten items as common signs that you too are in love with Hugh Jackman.

1. You're male.

2. You register for theater classes.

3. You have an uncontrollable urge to count your carbs.

4. You see every single Hugh Jackman movie.

5. You smile every time you see Hugh Jackman's face... or abs.

6. You find it difficult to achieve an erection after watching a Hugh Jackman movie.

7. You own every single AC/DC album produced.

8. Your favorite restaurant is Outback.

9. You don't shave your chest.

10. You take cold showers in the morning.

Damn you, Hugh Jackman. I hate you. I hate your perfect biceps. I hate your great hair. I hate your ab vein that featured so prominently in Australia. I hate that you count carbs and eat brown rice for breakfast. I hate that you've got a bad-ass accent. 

Just go away so men can be men again. You're ruining it for the rest of us.