She Wants Revenge

Women.

I think it's the way they stink. It stinks so good. I hope we've all experienced the rich aromatic stink of a woman's skin, and the way it is only enhanced the closer we put our faces to their bodies. I find it intoxicating, and I'm sure my manlier friends feel the same way.

Let me just say this: Women of the world, don't ever change the way you smell once you've reeled a man in. We fall in love with you in large part because of this scent. So don't go doing anything stupid now.

You know what's another thing that's fantastic about a woman? Their hair. Now, I'm not talking necessarily about some dykey haircut. I'm talking about full, bouncy hair. The kind that falls off their neck and shoulders, and is dark and rich and full of passion. The kind of hair that you just want to smother your face in and use as your pillow for the night. It's Havana Nights in curlers.

A woman with great hair is already making a man think crazy.

But you know what else makes a man crazy?

A woman that wants to kill.

There are some women out there my friends who are beautiful, charming, and own an extensive gun collection. Do we want these kind of women? It's a very serious question. I would tread carefully, and say yes. You want a woman who can kill. For you see, it's not necessarily about the size of her rack, but rather, the size of her lust for blood.

But why? Why not!

A woman who kills likes steak. Red steak. She wants the beef. She wants to watch football with you. She wants to play Xbox Live with her xXKillFace84Xx gamertag, and craves Gears of War 2 chainsaw battles. She laughed in Bambi. They lust for revenge.

Being honest, they're pretty much perfect women.

Look, some women just want attention. Some women just want to be appreciated. Some women want to be loved.

And some women just want to kill.

The Rules Of Manhood In The 24th Century

Since the 24th century is now upon us all, I realized I was past due on updating you all on how to be a man in this brave new world. Naturally, you're asking yourself, "Jonathan, how can I become a man in this bold frontier?" Well, I'm glad you came around, because I'm here to tell you how it's done.

Rule #1: Get a good blaster by your side.

Some might call this a ray gun, or a phaser and what have you. The point is, it's a gun that shoots hot red laser bolts. I can't emphasize this enough. I've found myself in the thick of battle in one too many strange bars and cantinas out there, scamming some equally strange tail, and if it weren't for "The Duke", I wouldn't be here writing this guide.

Rule #2: Alien tail is FAN-tastic!

Truly, there is nothing like grabbing some strange ass out there in the big bad galaxy. Just the other day I was cruising through the Crab Nebula, popped into the local diner, and saw the most bodacious broad this side of Scorpio. She was blue. She had red hair. She had fangs. She literally had a tail. It was hot. I tapped that shit. Do the same. You haven't lived until you've smelled what another woman's world smells like.

Rule #3: Invest in a fast ship.

All too often, we look at the cosmetics of a cruiser. Sure, we want the best looking ride available, but it's all about the personality, man. Don't be all bent out of shape over what she looks like on the outside, because it's the inside that counts. Whether you're smuggling beef steaks to the prisoners of Titan, or on a science mission to the Globular Cluster, remember - it's all about performance. A great ride will take you places my friend. Get something that defines you... not that alien wench in the cabin.

Rule #4: Under no circumstances are you ever, ever allowed to blow dry your hair.

This, sir, makes you a pussy. I need not explain myself further.

Rule #5: Dress to be comfortable, not for success.

Look, this isn't Starfleet. This is the 24th century! Crime is at an all time high, rebels are in the Outer Rim, and you can't even trust the woman you sleep with these days. The facts are, you've got to be ready to roll at any time lest the Po-Po's bust a cap in you. What do I recommend? Nothing like a good henley, some knee high leather boots, and a vest. Oh, and don't forget a good blaster.

Rule #6: Crucial. You are not, nor will you ever be, Captain James T. Kirk.

The man is a legend that can only be aspired to, and never attained. When you learn this lesson, you my friend, will be ready for the 24th century.

Rule #7: Shoot first.

Be like Han.