Born in the Year of Our Lord 1963, Yngwie Malmsteen literally exploded out of his mother's womb in Stockholm, Sweden. The great grandson of Viking warriors, Yngwie came out swinging an axe and has been shredding ever since.
Raised by his father, Sir Gunther Von Malmsteen, Yngwie was taught the trades of his father: Ass-kicking, cocaine snorting, and the art of looking amazing with a shirt open. Like his father, Yngwie was raised for four years by a pack of wolves in the artic tundra of northern Sweden. He supped from the teets of the wolves, which gave him strength, and frequented the Den Mother's parlor for wisdom and insight into the universe.
This would all come together when at the age of 10, Yngwie formed his first band "The Ecstasy of My Emperor", which would go on to sell 3 million albums in Sweden by the time he was 12. Bored with this endeavor, Yngwie knew it was time to take it up a notch.
With the blessing of his mother, whom he would sup with on a yearly basis, Yngwie journeyed across the plains of Asia, eventually coming across a caravan of Tibetan monks. Amongst those he would later call his "brethren", Yngwie would master the art of the shred. Consuming a massive amount of mind enhancing drugs, Yngwie would hit scales of 100,000 notes before stopping. It is now a known fact that the weight of Yngwie's shredding in the 70's led to the mass extinction of Russian Tigers and the Dodo due to brain hemorrhaging.
When 1980 came about, Yngwie was now ready to share with the world the gift of rock. Releasing his first solo album in 1982, Yngwie brought peace to the Middle East, and eventually, held an audience with Pope John Paul II. John Paul was a devout believer in the power of Yngwie's rock, and was overheard at mass once saying, "Lord, please bless your children in the coming decade, but above all else, bless your Holy Son Yngwie Malmsteen, he who shreds mighty ass, and brings forth the Rock of Ages, that we your unworthy children have yearned so long for. Amen."
Suddenly, in 1994, Yngwie vanished. The world didn't know what happened to him, and eventually even ESPN were doing hourly updates on the whereabouts of the Rock God. The world waited and watched for six years (seasons in Yngwie time), until finally, at the stroke of midnight in New York City, Yngwie returned.
Appearing in a descending beam of light from the Heavens above, Malmsteen wore an open red robe adorned with the feathers of an Eagle as he shredded his guitar and eventually exploded the head of all the fake Sadam Hussein's who were listening intently, thus opening the way for Gulf War 2, and the expulsion of the real Sadam.
Today, we live in the presence of greatness, as Yngwie continues to rock our asses off with the gift of the Gods above, the gift of rock. If your daughters are chosen to be sired by Mr. Malmsteen, take upon this honor he has given you, and pray that he gives your daughters many sons, for then you shall know Yngwie has smiled upon you.
It is predicted that by 2035, world peace will have been achieved through the power of Yngwie Malmsteen. His legend grows daily, and soon, he will bring forth fruit good for the world to consume through the power of his notes.
Satan beware, for as Yngwie once told a distressed woman onboard a plane, "I'm bringing the fucking heat!"
