When A Man Is A Woman

So I was thinking, casually of course, what would the experience of giving birth be like for a man? What would be going through his mind? What would his soul be experiencing? What exactly would happen to him?

As I thought about this, I figured that the only way to articulate my thoughts would be to do it in screenplay form. Thus, without further ado, I present to you:

BIRTH BY MAN

a film by Jonathan Martin

A man is rushed on a medical cart, doctors surrounding him. There is panic as the man SCREAMS in agony. This man is TED. Ted is a 30 something male, just like you. He's sweating, and he's heaving.

A NURSE approaches the head DOCTOR. Both are panicked, sweating, and have the shit confused out of them.

DOCTOR

Get this man into the ER, and stat! I think he's about to give birth?!

NURSE

What the shit are you talking about, man? I'm just an intern. I wasn't taught how to cope with this shit, man. I've still got two years left, and right now, I'm thinking about getting the fu---

DOCTOR

Calm yourself, Davis! I need you. We've got a skeleton crew tonight, and I'm not going to let this man die!

With that, TED begins to scream.

TED

What's happening to me? This hurts! It hurts like a son of a bitch!

DOCTOR

We think you might be pregnant.

TED

Tell me something I don't know, you FUCK!

NURSE

I think he's going into shock.

TED

I'm going to bury my knuckle into your vagina!

DOCTOR

I think his water broke.

The nurse and the doctor both look down, and see nothing but a sticky wetness all over. The nurse keels over and pukes into a waste basket as they haul Ted into the ER/Delivery room.

TED

I think I'm going to die, man. I'm going to die, man!

DOCTOR

Suck it up, you pussy!

The doctor and the nurse work frantically on the man. They've splayed his legs out, and Ted starts to moan and mumble incoherently. The Doctor puts on his mask as the nurse stands by his side, gloved up and ready to roll.

NURSE

I swear on my mother's grave, I will never sleep with a waitress again.

DOCTOR

All right, let's see what we have here--- What the shit?!

NURSE

What is it?

DOCTOR

I don't believe it... It can't be. He's... He's giving birth through his rectum!

TED

No! NOOOO!

NURSE

Do you want me to hold him down or something?

DOCTOR

I don't know.

NURSE

I've got a gun. Let me kill him. Put him out of his misery. He doesn't deserve this kind of pain, man.

TED

Do it! Kill me! Please!

DOCTOR

Damnit, boy. I won't have this man's blood on my hands!

NURSE

Too late!

The Doctor looks down at his hands. They are covered in blood. He looks at the floor below him. Blood all over.

DOCTOR

Shit. We're losing him. Its going to have to come now. PUSH!

NURSE

Oh my...

TED

Its coming out of my ass!!! Get it out! Get it out!

DOCTOR

How did... Okay... Okay... Breathe. Push! PUSH!

Ted starts screaming as he pushes. Veins are popping out of his head, and the screams are deafening. The Nurse passes out, and slip on the puddle of blood on the floor.

DOCTOR

I see it. It's crowing. Keeping pushing!

TED

I hate you, ass hole.

DOCTOR

It's coming out. For the love of all that is good and holy, what is that?!

A fist emerges from out of the sheet covering Ted's legs... and continues to grow. Its the size of a small man's arm.

DOCTOR

No. It can't be.

TED

Get it out of me! I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I hate my wife!

Suddenly, a small sized man, about 4 feet tall, explodes out of the sheet and slides across the floor of the operating room. Its covered it fluids and gnarly substance. Ted is crying. Suddenly, the newborn CHILD stirs to life, and grunts.

DOCTOR

It's alive! It lives!

TED

Kill it! Kill it now!

The child rises, and turns towards its horrified father.

CHILD

Daddy?

THE END

So, uh... yeah... that's pretty horrifying. I think I just wrote out my nightmare.